Miss Billy Dare's Cocktail Chatter

2008-10-30T22:04:00.000-07:00

Daaarlings,

By now you've most likely read about Mikey Pump and the Bed of Beer on the MySpace blog.

Apparently beer causes Mikey temporary narcolepsy... no matter where he is!

Clearly this photo shows him moments before he is about to pass out on Freemont Street in downtown Las Vegas.

Will that boy ever learn?

Stay Fabulous!

Miss Billy XOXOXOXO

The Ongoing Drama of Mikey Pump...

2008-10-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

Sweethearts!

I am much too lazy to tell you of the most recent Mikey Pump debacle here, but you can read all about it on my MySpace blog.

Click Here to go to our page and then select: Mikey Pump Tragedy: The Bed of Beer, third box down in the right column.

It's true dolls: He did it again!

Stay Fabulous!

Miss Billy XOXOXOX

Does Anybody Actually Read This Thing????

2008-10-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

Hey Sugar Babies!

Seeing that I promised to post to this blog more often, I was sitting here wondering what to write when I had a thought... Does anybody actually read this thing? And while I'm at it... Does anybody actually visit the bezillion web sites I've put up to promote the band? I mean, seriously, with two blogs and about 8 band related web sites going on, I've come to a single conclusion. NOTE TO SELF: Get a life!

Seriously, while the internet is a magnificent invention, it is not without it's hindrances. Only moments ago, while involved in this wretched blogging adventure, I smelled something burning... dinner! And that's most certainly not the worst of it. There's the flat-ass-hunched-over-bleary-eyed-smoke-a-pack-of-cigarettes-an-hour side to the whole thing as well. Daaaarlings, I'm a positive wreck!

Well, I shouldn't complain as I have a band... a truly wonderful group of guys who I absolutely adore working with. To be honest, cupcakes, I'm gleefully giddy over my current situation. Todd, Mikey and Mikelvan totally rock! You clearly MUST come to our next show and see for yourself... Friday, November 7th on the Land Rover Stage near the intersection of Casino Center and Colorado. There is a $2 admission charge and we are on from 7pm to 7:45pm.

After that we'll most likely stop over at 3rd Street Revolution Gallery as it is that wacky-artist-musician guy, Lee Orona's, birthday! Hope to see you all. Until then,

Stay Fabulous!

Miss Billy XOXOXOXO

Ooooh Babies... Into S&M?

2008-10-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

Good Morning, Love Muffins!

When all else fails, darlings, it appears bribery becomes my final alternative... and so I do what I must!

If you're into S&M... and honestly who isn't these days?... your whip (I mean ship) has come in. I've just loaded our Fan Exclusive song, "It's So Romantic," into our ReverbNation player. And what that means is, if you're not a fan, you can't hear it. But fret not, dumplings, it's easy to become a fan. All you have to do is visit our band profile on ReverbNation, join the mailing list or become a fan and... Voila! You're in for an audio spanking!

Now Mikey Pump is positively horrified that I would make, "It's So Romantic," available for anybody to hear. He maintains that it is rather sloppy and somewhat ill-arranged. Now for the most part, I agree with that. It is an older song written in a style that we are not known for. But... and I do mean a big butt... I maintain Mikey doesn't want you to hear this song because, lyrically, it is much too revealing... hmmmm?

So bend over, Babies, and as always,

Stay Fabulous!

Miss Billy XOXOXOXO

A Little Favor, Honey-Pies?

2008-10-24T11:22:00.000-07:00

Daaaarling Ones!

Alas it is with great hope that I ask you this teeny-tiny favor. Please sign up for our mailing list! Just imagine the pride you will feel when you say to your friends, "I'm on the Billy Dare & The Pumps Mailing List!" They will positively chortle with glee and say..., "Who cares?" But, dumplings, that is not the point. The point is that we moved up from 29 slots overnight on the ReverbNation comedy act charts (from #90 to #61) and YOU can help us go higher. Now, I realize these are not the Billboard Charts. On the contrary, these charts basically monitor the success of the band's internet marketing campaign. It takes into consideration how many people visit our various web sites, how many listen to our songs, how many buy our music and how many sign up for our mailing list, ranking our efforts among other like-acts... and dammit... I want to be #1! So if you'd just take a second and enter your email address into the Join Our Mailing List Box in the column to the left, I PROMISE you will receive nothing more than the band newsletter every month or so... and my devotion.

Have wonderful weekend and, as always,

Stay Fabulous!

Miss Billy XOXOXOXO

It's Like Potato Salad...

2008-10-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

Oy Vey, Cupcakes! I have waaaaaaaaaay too many blogs and web sites going! I have the band blog at: http://myspace.com/billydarethepumps and this one, plus ALL of the web sites! Now I am not exactly sure why I am the one in the band who is responsible for internet promotions. Certainly I'm not technologically gifted, nor do I particularly enjoy working in the cyberspace medium, but such is my lot in life... and it all came about much like it did when I became the official potato salad person at every freakin' family function.

It began when my now deceased Aunt Millie (who had always been the official potato salad person), cleverly crafted the ultimate deception when I asked her for her recipe. I suppose, in retrospect, I should have been suspect of both her eagerness to share her recipe as well as her insistence upon showing me how to prepare it... but I was young and naive. So, with quite a bit of fanfare, I got together with my Aunt Millie to learn the "secret" recipe. Shortly into the preparation, I realized there was no "secret" at all... it was just potato salad. But by that point the transition of responsibility had shifted. From that point onward, Aunt Millie was off the hook and I became the extended family's potato salad bitch.

Now you've all heard the phrase, "Do it to me once, shame on you. Do it to me twice, shame on me," haven't you? Well, what follows that? Do it to me three times and I'm a freakin' imbecile? If so, I'm a freakin' imbecile! You think I would have learned with the potato salad, but NO! Next came the jello shots. It began quite innocently. I was having a little soiree and thought it might be fun to offer jello shots to the guests. I'd never made, nor do I like, jello shots, but what the hell? It seemed like a good idea at the time.

So (and here is where I must warn that you can never be too careful in precedent-setting activities) I asked Miss Kathy to bring the jello shots... which she did. Well, honey-pies, everybody positively LOVED them! With each chortle of, "These are divine!," I would respond, "Miss Kathy made them." Unfortunately nobody seemed to hear that part. We were, after all, at MY soiree and... well, you get the idea... from the family potato salad bitch, I've become the official bringer of jello shots to every social gala, soiree and what-not.

Seriously babies, how many animals must sacrifice their hooves so our set can enjoy their vodka in gelatinous technicolor? Alas, as it happened with the potato salad and the jello shots, I am now the band's internet bitch!

Stay Fabulous!
Miss Billy XOXOXO

It's All About Mikey!

2008-10-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

Daaaarlings!

Horror of all horrors! Just when I thought I'd found the PERFECT magazine diet... which I followed to the letter for three days, mind you... I hop on the scale this morning and gained three pounds! Think about it... three pounds in three days. If I stayed on it for a year, I'd gain 365 pounds! Clearly this diet was a viscous hoax engineered by snarly, thin girls who wanted to ensure that there would be no competition for the Size 2's on the retail rack. But seriously, muffins, I am soooooo mad!

Meanwhile, band practice has come to a grinding halt. Several months ago, when absolutely nothing spectacular was happening with the band, Mikey Pump planned a trip to visit relatives in the east. Well, I dropped him off at McCarren at the crack of dawn today and just received a text that he's landed safely. So I'm totally stressed because we have a gig coming up on November 7th and will be sans bass player for a week.

Aha! Maybe that's why I gained the three pounds... it's stress weight! Maybe there is no snarly, thin girl conspiracy! Maybe Mikey Pump is the mastermind behind this whole thing! Yeah, that's it. It's all about Mikey!

Stay Fabulous!

Miss Billy XOXOXO

Wherever have I been?

2008-10-09T14:29:00.000-07:00

Mikelvan -- Our New & Marvelous Drummer!

Ah My Precious Ones!

I realize it has been absolutely forever since I've written, but I've been soooooo busy. You see, in an effort to become more fit, I've taken up social climbing! From a former star of Minsky's burlesque theatre to the Queen of England's florist -- ok, perhaps the Queen herself would have been more or a coups -- I've been meeting the most fabulous people lately. But perhaps the most delightful of my most recent encounters is our new drummer, Mikelvan! Alas, baby-dolls, we are once a four-piece again and doors are opening left and right. So all is divine in Miss Billyville!

We've got a big show coming up on Friday, November 7th on the Land Rover Stage, located near the corner of Casino Center & Colorado in the Las Vegas Dowtown Art District. It is an outdoor venue and is being sponsored by the First Friday Organization. We are doing a short set from 7pm to 7:45pm. Admission to First Friday is a mere $2, so don't get cheap on me, cupcakes! Apparently they are expecting in excess of 7000 people which should be cool... or at the very least crowded.

Mostly I've been in a promotional frenzy, setting up web sites and online stores and all sorts of things to promote the band. Fortunately my efforts seem to be paying off... which makes the endless hours I've spent sitting on my ass in front of the computer somewhat more tolerable. So here are some links to the new sites:

Billy Dare & The Pumps: This is our main site and it's completely updated. We've added music, an online store and more.

Billy Dare & The Pumps MySpace Page: On this site you can listen to our songs, buy our songs, read my other blog and become our friend!

Billy Dare & The Pumps ReverbNation Page: Sign up for our mailing list here or join our street team, listen to and buy music... whatever... just more shameless promotion.

So angels... that's pretty much what's been up these days. I positively promise I will write more often... at least for a while. Until next time,

Stay Fabulous!

Miss Billy XOXOXO

Big Congrats To 3rd Street Revolution Gallery!

2008-05-12T00:55:00.000-07:00

Precious Ones,

On Friday, June 6th, 3rd Street Revolution Art Gallery will be celebrating its official one year anniversary! Soooooo marvelous, isn't it? Although the gallery actually opened in January of 2007, it wasn't until June 2nd of that year that artists Ezequiel "Lee" Orona and Juan Ybarra threw the official bash of all bashes. We played the grand opening gig a year ago and are absolutely delighted to be playing the first anniversary gala. So mark your calendars, honey-pies and be sure to join us!

Speaking of art, I was positively honored and delighted on May 2nd when Juan Ybarra gave me one of his original mobiles. As everybody knows, Juan is famed for his amazing work with metal, so to be the recipient of one of his much sought-after (and extraordinarily large) pieces is absolutely mind-blowing! Of course it is hanging in my "gallery room" which features the work of some of the most gifted artists in Las Vegas. Thank you so very much, Juan!

So the other night, bored to tears and looking for something fabulous to do, Miss Kathy and I decided to meet for a cocktail at Terribles Casino on Paradise since it is close to her house. Daaarlings! What a bizarre event! From the girl who fell off her chair while attempting to flash the entertainment -- she took a total digger -- to the trio of German tourists wearing lederhosen -- "Mein Gott, Slaw! I think I see the Swiss Miss!" -- it was like an unplanned excursion to Bizarroville. But I did have the pleasure of meeting Kevin Baker, a wonderfully talented and versatile Las Vegas entertainer. If you're visiting and looking for something fun to do, he's playing everyplace. I believe he is at The Riviera on The Strip beginning this Tuesday doing a daytime gig and then he's back to Terribles on Paradise the following week. Like I said, Miss Kathy and I did have cocktails, so I could have my dates wrong. Sorry, Kevin!

I was so-so-so-so thrilled to receive an email from John Burke (baby-dolls, you have no idea how difficult it is for me not to call him Johnny) owner of JB Audio Productions in Lowell, MA. Talk about a blast from the past! I worked with the talented (and very cute) John when he was an engineer at Big Rock Studio in Billerica, MA about 10 years ago. Anyway, the band and I were having a dreadful time mixing the songs. At one point I got bounced out of the control booth by the owner, Jim because the band couldn't stop arguing -- rebuked!!! So
there we were with about a dozen songs and we coudn't stop fighting long enough to mix a thing. Then one night we show up for a session and one of the songs is completely (and miraculously) mixed! John came in on his own time and did it for us -- a gesture for which I will forever be grateful -- though looking back he probably just did it because he couldn't bear the thought of spending an evening with me in the booth. The song was a silly little novelty number called, "Hoochie Blues," that I sang as one of my totally trampy characters (who I no longer do) called J'uanna Duet. So I get this email from John asking if he can use the song on his MySpace page and naturally I said he could. So if you would like to hear my old character J'uanna (the ditz) and my old band line-up with Todd, Duno and Julian... and to, of course, check out JB Audio Productions, just follow this link:

http://myspace.com/jbaudioproductions

Alas, aside from the upcoming 3rd Street Revolution Anniversary Party and the recording of our new CD -- yet to be titled -- I haven't much more to tell you but that I adore you all.

Stay Fabulous!

Miss Billy XOXOXO

Welcome Wagon From Hell

2008-04-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

Daaaaaarlings!

Alas the warm weather has arrived here in Las Vegas -- a deceiving prelude to the blistering summer heat -- and I am looking 25 pounds thinner and feeling 25 pounds fatter in these new, unforgiving jeans. Whatever possessed me to buy a size small, I cannot say. Honestly, I feel like my ass is under attack by a boa constrictor. I keep thinking they'll stretch out a bit as I wear them, but thus far that is not the case. A better probability appears to be that the seams will just let go -- most likely somewhere in public, causing grown men to weep and children to be emotionally scarred for life. But alas, I am straying. As I was saying, the weather has warmed up and the pool is open, which leads to a whole new can of fat worms!

Now fat or thin (I go both ways), I have never been comfortable in a bathing suit. Like certain things that are best left unsaid, there are certain body parts that are better left unexposed. And even though the pool is surrounded by a stockade fence and I can swim in seemingly total privacy, there are the airplanes -- both commercial and Air Force -- that periodically fly overhead. Now granted, they are quite high, but if I can see them...! And let's be honest, dolls. Even from their high vantage point, I am sure they can tell the difference between a Semi and a Kia. So here are all these happy tourists flying into Las Vegas and the woe-begotten soul who gets the window seat looks down at me in the pool and shrieks, "Holy Shit! What's going on? I thought Las Vegas was filled with beautiful people. I saw it on the Travel Channel!"

To this I would have to say, "Honey... if there are so-called beautiful people in Las Vegas, they most assuredly came from someplace else." Finding a hottie in this town is comparable to finding somebody with a full set of teeth. There is an economy of both. Or maybe it's just my neighborhood that is a rife breeding ground for fat chicks with banana clipped perms, cut-off short shorts, too tight tees with Winnie the Pooh screens and knock-off Crocs. And their children -- they all have them, you know -- with their mullets and Nascar swag, are as dumb as stumps! It happens on a daily basis -- one just ambles in front of my car, dazed and drooling, forcing me to slam on the brakes. And still they meander along, oblivious to their near brush with death. Mikey Pump says it is because they can't hear the approaching vehicles over the foghorns -- disguised as thoughts -- that are constantly going off in their heads. Alas, it is certainly a far cry from what these unsuspecting tourists see on the Travel Channel! And as long as they do not venture off The Strip or get the window seat on the airplane, they can keep their mega-marketed Las Vegas illusion pristine.

Now sugar-babies, I just had an entertaining thought. What if some local Las Vegas bubba reads this, becomes offended and comes to my house to shoot me. They do sooooo love their guns, you know. And then I realize, they can't read!

I did have a point when I began, angel cakes, but now I've forgotten. I think, instead, I will go lounge in the pool for a bit and scare a few arriving tourists... sort of like the Welcome Wagon to Hell.

Stay Fabulous!

Miss Billy XOXOXOX

3rd Street Revolution Art Gallery... May 2nd

2008-04-11T16:55:00.000-07:00

Daaaaarlings!

This is positively NOT the gig to miss since there will be so much going at at 3rd Street Revolution Art Gallery on May 2nd. As always there will be the phenomenal work of artists Ezequiel "Lee" Orona and Juan Ybarra on display, plus work by guest artist Catalino "Cat" Jaques and a new guest artist who will be showing there for the first time... oh woe, babies, I don't know his name! In addition to all that, 3rd Street Revolution is hosting a debut of the works by Las Vegas photographer, Diane Hamburger. You don't want to miss this emerging talent! Plus there will be musical performances by us, Billy Dare & The Pumps, as well as newcomers Robert & Rachael Stokes, an acoustic duo. So plan to be there:

3rd Street Revolution Art Gallery

224 Imperial Ave @ 3rd Street

Las Vegas, NV

Friday, May 2, 2008

7:30pm -- 10pm

We are not planning to do the show at this gig, but will be trying out a bunch of new songs instead. Still, I need a fabulous outfit to wear and have been going absolutely mad trying to find it. I've shopped from Dillard's to Wal-Mart and everywhere in between, but to no avail. I even considered sewing something, but haven't been able to find a to-die-for pattern. And so I am totally panic-stricken. Horrors! I have but days to find the dress, let alone the accessories, lingerie and shoes to go with it. Oh precious ones, I am positively consumed with terror that I won't find the most marvelous outfit and will end up wearing something... worn! I can't even bear to think about it. I'm sure Prada or Chanel has something. Clearly I need a bigger budget or a private seamstress.

Alas, cupcakes, I really must get shopping. Hope to see you at the gallery!

Stay Fabulous!

Miss Billy XOXOXO

The Question Is Where?

2008-04-07T04:06:00.000-07:00

Hey Dolls... Exactly what was Mikey Pump looking? This pic came from the video Kathy shot of our song, "He's The Bomb," at the Aruba Club last Friday night.

Desperate To See You, Cupcakes!

2008-03-25T13:31:00.000-07:00

http://www.myspace.com/noiselv

My How Time Flies!

2008-03-24T03:50:00.000-07:00

Daaaarlings!

How positively atrocious of me! I just cannot believe it has been nine months since my last post, but then, I’ve had much to do! Of course I won’t tax your sensibilities with tales of my ever-so-frustrating and absolutely endless search for the perfect underwire bra, or even go into detail over how I ended up getting hit in the face with a trash can lid and subsequently knocked on my ass on the sidewalk. And I definitely won’t tell you about how I wrecked Mikey Pumps’ car in the Smith’s parking lot on Nellis. Some things are just better left unsaid...

But I will ask you this, precious ones. If you said to your husband, "We’re spending far too much money on gas. Go out and buy something more economical," would you expect him to come home with a brand new motorcycle? Oh woe, but such is the tragic story of my life! I mean, absolutely everybody knows everyday is a bad hair day on a motorcycle. Then add to that the obscene action of climbing on and off the thing wearing a skirt and pumps and you can clearly imagine my horror! Every time I get on it, which is as infrequently as possible, I feel like I should be wearing tight pastel sweatpants with the words, "FAT ASS," emblazoned across the butt.

Anyway, angels, since my last post we’ve played some fun gigs at E-String, The Art Bar and 3rd Street Revolution Gallery and have more coming up:

The Aruba Hotel – Friday, April 4th
We’ll be at The Aruba on Friday, April 4th at 10pm as part of the Las Vegas N.O.I.S.E. Project’s First Friday After Party. The Aruba is located on 1215 S. Las Vegas Blvd.. a few blocks from the Stratosphere. This is THE place to be, so I hope to see you there.

3rd Street Revolution Gallery – Friday, May 2nd
This gallery just keeps getting more and more fabulous to the point where owners/artists Ezequiel "Lee" Orona and Juan Ybarra are seriously considering moving to a more spacious location! So if you plan on checking out this funky little gallery located on 224 Imperial Ave., on the corner of 3rd Street in the Las Vegas Arts District, why not do so on May 2nd. In addition to our performance, scheduled for 8pm, you can catch the debut exhibit of the extraordinary works of guest photographer, Diane Hamburger of Las Vegas and, of course, check out the amazing art of Orona and Ybarra. While it isn’t definite, in addition to Billy Dare & The Pumps, there may be other fabulous musical guests.

Stay Fabulous!

Miss Billy XOXOXO

On Moving, Gigging & Life With Mikey...

2007-06-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

"If I can’t drink it or smoke it, I don’t want it," Mikey Pump

So Dolls, things are positively insane here. Not only are we in the process of buying a new house, but we’re also selling, "The Tube," and… as if that isn’t chaotic enough… shooting a Patsy Clinestein video! Oh, and we also have a gig coming up on Monday, June 25th at E-String in Henderson. I suspect that will be the last gig we play until we are moved into the new house… but you never know.

Regarding More Important Matters….

So here I was on Saturday night slumming at Jerry’s Nugget in North Las Vegas when my cell rings. It was probably about midnight. Since only three people have my cell number and one of them is with me and the other is in a different time zone, I know it is Mikey Pump calling.

"Do we have any sheets?," he barks into the phone… no hello, no how are you? Nothing!

"Why?," I ask… Hot date?, I think.

"One of the cats pissed my bed," he informs me, not happy at all.

I tell him we have sheets and where to find them.

"We have to do something about these fuckin’ cats!," he says and hangs up.

Then I started to think… he’d had a few rum and cokes when I’d left him on the couch at about 10pm. Maybe he was just blaming the cats. Maybe he fell asleep and pee’d the bed himself. I mean, cats don’t usually wet the bed. But lo and behold, sweethearts, it was the cats! When I got home several hours later, there was his pee-soaked pillow on the kitchen counter – as if he knew I would suspect him of this horrific display of incontinence and left the distinctly-scented evidence for me to see.

My point, precious ones, is that while Mikey might get inhalers stuck in his nose, he is most assuredly not a bed-wetter.

Stay Fabulous!

I've Lost 800 Pounds!

2007-06-04T13:19:00.000-07:00

Daaaaaaarlings!

There’s something positively horrific about this! In the last decade I’ve lost 800 pounds – but it’s always the same 10 pounds! The reason I bring this up is because over the past two weeks I’ve lost those flippin’ 10 pounds again. I swear they’re like a rash – you finally get rid of them and they come back again. So I sit and ponder… is it really the exact same ten pounds? Or are they different pounds? I mean, like did I lose ten pounds off my arms six months ago and then gain them on my ass the following month?

Clearly I’ve never lost them, only temporarily misplaced them. Which brings me to that burning question – where do they go when I’ve misplaced them? Are they waiting in bay somewhere… say my nightstand… secretly plotting to jump back on me the moment I doze off? I’m really hung up on this!

The more I think about it, the more questions I have. Though I’ve absolutely no scientific background, it seems to me that food turns into fat. That would mean that my body fat is made up of an egg roll here, a donut there… I’m the proverbial charm bracelet of meals gone by. Oy Vey! When you look at me do I look like a buffet?

I’ve absolutely got to stop thinking about this!

Stay Fabulous!

Not Everything Belongs In Your Nose!

2007-05-14T01:52:00.000-07:00

Daaaaarling Ones,

I positively must share this story with you! While things like this always happen to me, they never happen to Mikey Pump. Anyway, baby-dolls, Todd and I came strolling in at about 2am this morning to find Mikey had undergone a most horrifying experience while we were out.

Suffering from a sinus headache for the past several days, this afternoon Mikey purchased a Vicks Inhaler hoping it would bring him some relief – and it did – until the awful event. As it happened, while using the inhaler for the last (and most definitely final) time, the heavy plastic tube somehow became tangled in his nose ring. According to Mikey, he spent an hour and a half walking around the house with the inhaler dangling from his nostril until he finally managed to cut it out. Sadly, I missed it!

Alas, precious ones, if you wear a nose ring, be selective about what you insert into your nose!

Stay Fabulous!

Limp and Lifeless...

2007-05-12T23:25:00.000-07:00

Daaaaaaarling Ones,

I so desperately wish I had something positively titillating to report, but the wicked truth is I’ve been going through a morbidly boring spell. I swear the basis of my dilemma rests in my shampoo. I mean, honestly, how can life be exciting when your hair is as limp and lifeless as a lousy lover? I keep switching brands, but to no avail. And even if I did find the perfect shampoo – a miracle in a bottle – I am sooooo not into entering my bathroom these days as it has been invaded by… kittens... two biting, snarling, scratching little kittens.

My dilemma began several days ago when Todd called to ask if I wouldn’t mind watching two kittens that some imbecile had trapped and then abandoned without food or water. He said it would only be for a couple hours. I told him to bring them home -- that it wouldn’t be a problem. But when he brought them home, there was most definitely a problem. The reason they were only going to be with me for a couple hours was because Animal Control was on its way. Now dear hearts, as much as I didn’t need another cat (let alone two), I most certainly was not going to detain them for their date with death. Oh no… not on my watch!

So now they are living in the hamper in my bathroom, waiting in bay for somebody to enter so they can execute their attack. Although they are only about 6 weeks old and incredibly adorable (twin males, white with blue eyes, orange ears and tails), they’re a little high strung. I have found, however, that if you approach them with food their demeanor greatly improves. So now, every time I have to go into the bathroom, I bring them a plate – so they’re becoming kind of chubby. Alas, unless I can find some loving soul willing to take two kittens (they are very dependent on each other), it looks like Proctor and Gamble are here to stay.

Now for those of you wondering why I’m keeping them in the bathroom (which is probably nobody), it’s because I already have cats – tons of cats – who positively hate the kittens. You see, dolls, my cats aren’t normal cats. They’re rescue cats, each with one peculiarity or another. Winky has one eye, Hop can only walk on three legs, Big Crab doesn’t play well with others, Chip suffers from social anxiety disorder, Peachy pulled out all her hair, Jonesy spends his days pondering what to kill next… and there are others.

So until Proctor and Gamble are big enough to defend themselves against the menagerie of misfits, they’ll rule my bathroom and I’ll have limp and lifeless hair!

Stay Fabulous!

Who'd A Thunk It, Daaaaaaaaaarlings!

2007-05-04T14:41:00.000-07:00

Who’d a thunk it, daaaaaaaaarlings! Just today I received the following email from Michaelangelo… and to think I thought he was dead!

"i want you to divorce toddman, and run away with me to fabulous roma, italia.... i will buy the sistine chapel for you...... and and and and the leaning tower of ravioli,,,, we will travel to venice so you can see where i bertoline
michaelangelo orona was born.. and you will of course meet all of the family...
my uncle gilberto mussolini , his hot wife sophia lorenza de la bigchesta....
si, si , and all my other children from the 6 previous wifes that i have
had..but first we must murder your husband ...... we can put poison in the pizza ,,,,,, he likes pizza no.... yes i have a plan and two tickets to fabulous
roma..... come with me billy ,,,,,,,i will treat you like the princess that you
truley are.... and to further intice you , in roma, there is the largest kmart
in the entire world ,,,, it takes 4 weeks to see it all.....i will also buy you
rollerskates to make your shopping even more enjoyable..... i will have my bags packed tonite ,,,, after the show ...... buy the way i also love the art work at that gallery .... its so , so , revolutionary.... see you billy.... with 400
pounds of passion,signed michaelangelo ........... "

Remember, tonight at 3rd Street Revolution Art Gallery, 224 Imperial Ave., Las Vegas, NV – 7:30pm!

Until tonight, Stay Fabulous!

Waking Up Cranky...

2007-05-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

Oh woe, dolls, but I’m positively cranky today. What with all the flippin’ no-shows at last night’s gig and the fact that Vons ran out of Tab (leaving me to drink that putrid Diet Coke), it’s a miracle I’m not scrounging around the bottom of my purse for a Valium. Yet all is not thaaaaaaaat horrible in Billyville. While it is true I woke up irritable, exhausted and frightened by my own reflection (I spaced removing my make-up before going to bed last night), I did receive a phone call that picked up my droopy spirits a bit.

Last week I met this awesome drummer named Geno at (now I know this is going to sound absolutely absurd) a Harley Davidson Convention in Kingman, AZ. Oh, now stop gasping in horror, dolls, and give me a chance to explain! You see, there is this band called Hack & The 57’s who had a gig there, but needed a fill in bass player for the day. Well, Mikey picked up the gig and since I had nothing fabulous to do, decided to keep him company on the two hour drive from Las Vegas. Anyway, Geno was also filling in for the band and between sets we talked about my show and how I desperately need a drummer and blah, blah, blah.

Alas today, in my weepy-oh-woe-is-me frenzy, I get an insane message on my answering machine about… viscous fishes.?!? Lo and behold, sweet-peas, it was Geno. He heard about last nights show from Hack (who was there, unlike some of you nasty little thangs who promised) and, to make a long story short, we’ll be getting together to see if I can’t free my career from this sequencer bondage that has been clearly plaguing us to death!

Meanwhile, we’re getting ready to do it all over again at 3rd Street Revolution Art Gallery on Friday night. Wonderful things should be happening next door at Snick’s Place since it’s the first night of Gay Pride and, for that matter, all through the Las Vegas Arts District that night since it’s also First Friday. Hope to see you all there!

Stay Fabulous!

If You Think His Writing Is Wild, Check Out His Art!

2007-04-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

Precious Ones,

Of all the letters I received, I was most intrigued by that of Las Vegas artist Lee Orona, co-owner of 3rd Street Revolution Art Gallery (where we just happen to be performing on Friday, May 4th). And so I will share his literary stylings with you. Before I do, however, upon reading Lee’s email, my tall friend Kathy said, "If it’s possible to accurately sum up somebody’s personality in an email, this is it."

So here it is, dolls, words of wisdom from the spectacular Lee Orona:

"billy , billy, billy , billy , billy , billy,you are the shrimp in my cocktail, you are the jack in my cracker jack.your the stolen picasso,of course you can be a flat tire on interstate 80 too, but as mygreat uncle bernardo de la goatee orona said,, while eating pancakes one morning while vacationing in katmando with my auntie , actually my forth auntie an ex stripper by the the name of juanita jones montoya de la cruz.... who went by the name of betty hips nabronski. my uncle said ... you know ,,, you just got to use jet fuel sometime and run them beautiful motherfuckers over ..they will thank you in the morning for one hell of a good time.pass the pancakes....break a leg guys, unit 2"
After reading that, how can you possibly not check out 3rd Street Revolution Gallery?

First Friday at

3rd Street Revolution Art Gallery

224 Imperial Ave.

Las Vegas, NV

with

Billy Dare & The Pumps

Showtime 7:30pm

We will be doing our informal, anything-goes gallery show where we try out new material, play material that isn't included in the Fabulous Miss Billy Dare Show and more. It's always a fab time.

Of course, if you want all the costumes, give-aways and hoopla, don't forget we'll be at E-String Grill, 2031 W. Sunset, Henderson, NV on Monday, April 30th at 8pm.

Until then, Stay Fabulous!

All The Best People Are Coming...

2007-04-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

Good Afternoon, Baby Dolls!

I will keep it short and sweet – a phrase, my darlings, we absolutely hope to never hear our lovers use!

Alas, start planning your outfits now, as our Swanky Society is destined to meet again for The Fabulous Miss Billy Dare Show on Monday, April 30th at the E-String Grill on 2031 W. Sunset in Henderson, NV at 8:15pm. We’ve got some naughty new songs and other events to tempt and titillate you.

Plus, as I write these very words, a new fabulously festive, basic black frock is being made for me. Of course since it’s not finished yet, I can’t promise how it will look on. I mean, oh-woe, but I could end up looking like a knish wrapped in tarpaper. However, you’ll never know unless you show… so see you there, and

Stay Fabulous!
Miss Billy

The Thrill Is Gone...

2007-04-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

Daaaarlings, I am deathly bored! Since I don’t pay my bills until I get shut off notices, I spent my entire day running around the city writing checks like Imelda Marcos at a shoe sale. Honestly, I need a secretary… and a maid, and a stylist… it just never ends! In 48 hours I’ve gone from giddy and gay to bored and frazzled. Oh woe!

During my bill-paying travels (driving the shit-box band van) I decided the time has come to upgrade my vehicular image a bit. I tried to buy this snappy little vintage number – a BMW convertible – but the owner is not selling. So then I saw this wonderful vintage Mercedes 450 SL in a parking lot and was all agog. Sadly that wasn’t for sale either. The guy I was with said if I could find an old Ford nearby he could use the dipstick to steal the car for me. Naturally I refused the offer, but found myself questioning the company I keep. He also told me how to turn fruit cocktail snack cups into booze – a popular trick he learned in prison. Alas, I’ve got all this newfound knowledge, but still no car.

In other news, I fear I’m becoming a Cyclops. In a frenzied quest for a divine, youthful complexion, I think I used a little toooooo much product on my face over the weekend and now have a rash-like blemish mid-forehead. Maybe I should just cut some bumper-bangs and go around like it’s the 1960’s… or maybe I should just stop buying (and using) every beauty enhancement product on the market. I’m not getting any more beautiful and I’m starting to feel like a laboratory test rat.

Well, doll-babies, I have nothing of monumental proportions to report today… other than my butt… which was exposed to a group of Mexican school kids when my skirt blew up over my head in the Wal-Mart parking lot on Nellis this afternoon. Clearly they will be scarred for life!

And with that, remember…

Stay Fabulous!

Some Things Are Tooooo Fabulous!

2007-04-16T01:32:00.000-07:00

Oh daaaarlings, it has been forever, hasn’t it? It seems ever since I bailed on that dinner show gig and went back to more familiar surroundings, my career and social life have been sparkling! Now if I can only get the diet part in control, my life will be positively marvelous.

We’ve been playing about town – two favorites are: Ezequiel Lee Orona and Juan Ybarra’s 3rd Street Revolution Art Gallery on the corner of 3rd and Imperial (we play there on the first Friday of every month) and the E-String Poker Bar & Grill in Henderson where we play about once a month for Comedy Night. We’ll be there again on Monday, April 30th, showtime 8pm. It’s a positively fun venue, sweet-peas, where you can eat, drink, smoke, gamble, hear live music, peruse the rock memorabilia collection and even buy a vintage guitar during store hours. Come down and catch the show!

Other than flitting about the desert to fabulous soirees and mini-socials here and there, I went out to E-String last night with Todd, Mikey & Kathy to check out a friend’s band, No Limit. I don’t know whose band it is, but I do know that the ever-adorable Bernie Hamburger plays guitar in it – and expertly to boot, dear-hearts. Since he actually builds the amazing guitars he plays, I can even forgive the fact that it was a cover band, which as you know, is an enormously humbling step for me! But all kidding aside, they were very good and worth catching.

Meanwhile, as the band played and the cocktails flowed, I put on my, "Campaign Face," as Lou calls it, and met a host of fabulous people – Megan, Robert, Jason, Jim, Chuck, Seth, Luke -- and a handful of other not-particularly-interesting folks whose names I can’t recall. I also had the opportunity to catch up with Bernie's wife, Diane, which is always a pleasure.

But Wait! This is so strange! As I write, the television is on in the background playing some old movie called, The Bad Seed. I just caught a bit of the dialog…, "I’ll miss your kisses, Daddy. You’re so big and strong." I think I said that to some guy at the club last night. I guess I shouldn’t have wandered off on my own and gotten that third C.C. & Soda! But then had I not, I probably wouldn't have been blind-sided by the full-tongue lip lock of a particularly influential man-about-town. For career advancement reasons, I cannot mention his name.

Anyway, I was dead on my feet this morning and clearly sure I would die. One glance in the mirror convinced me homicide would have been a mercy killing if carried out by an empathetic friend. Neverthelass, dolls, I fixed my face, got dressed and changed my shirt a couple times because I drooled toothpaste on my first one, then was off to a backyard BBQ at the home of Penny, Steve, Kathy & Patrick. It was quite a delightful event, though my wit and personality were both severely compromised as a result of the toooo fabulous night before.

Speaking of being compromised, clearly my ability to write is suffering the effects of too much fun as well, so I will end now.
As Always… Stay Fabulous!

I Might Be Crazy, But It's On My Own Terms...

2007-01-30T14:58:00.000-08:00

OK, baby-dolls, I did it. I quit the dinner show gig. My decision was mulled in anguish and torment, but I had to come to terms with the fact that I’m not variety entertainment – never was, never have been.

When I first started at the club there was a little bit of underground, funky feel that made me think it might work out. The guy who ran it was nice and the people who worked there were cool. Okay, the turquoise chairs were a bit 1980’s Miami Vice, but it was kind of campy. That and the fact that Fremont Street is planning a retro/hip renovation were enough to give it a chance. Then things started to get over-the-top cheesy. The addition of neon and fake plants, were the least of the horrors! So, alas, precious ones, I found myself in a dreadfully uncomfortable situation. That’s when the words of a friend from Texas came in handy. "Dance with what brung ya," she said. What brought me were the underground, the original circuit, the gay circuit, and the art circuit. That’s where my heart is and probably always will be. So that’s where I’m going… and do we ever have a fabulous gig coming up!

This Friday night, February 2nd, we’re playing the grand opening of the Third Street Revolution Gallery in the Las Vegas Arts District. Not everything is cheesy in Las Vegas, y’know! The new gallery is owned by artist Ezekiel Lee Orona and is located on 3rd Street, right next to Snick’s Place a little neighborhood gay bar and Art Space, which I believe, is either another gallery or a studio. Either way, the area is sooooo suited for us – not to mention I’m positively giddy about Lee’s artistic endeavor. I’m sure many of you have already heard of him, but for those who haven’t, you’ve absolutely got to check out his work. Gifted in both painting and sculpture, his use of color and texture will blow you away! So if you’ve got Friday night free, come on down to Third Street Revolution Gallery, see some awesome art and catch a show. It opens at about 5pm and we’re going on between 7pm and 8pm. There’s no cover.

Although I’m not totally sure of the date, we’ll also be playing the E String Bar & Grill in Henderson in the very near future. They’re a live music venue for local and national talent. On Mondays they’re starting a comedy night, so that’s when we’ll be playing. I suspect that since our show is only 90 minutes, we’ll be sharing the bill with a stand-up comic – at least it’s not a magician, celebrity impersonator, cover act or the standard Las Vegas variety talent fare that makes my skin crawl!

So darling ones, things are very shiny and bright here in Billy-ville. I know some people might think I’m crazy to give up a steady dinner show gig on Fremont Street, but at least I’m crazy on my own terms!

Kisses for days!

More Bitching, Moaning & A Wardrobe Miracle

2007-01-13T09:31:00.000-08:00

Good Morning Dolls!

I positively cannot believe my life is being dictated by, of all things, football, but alas this is the case. We've decided to stick around in Las Vegas a bit longer, but are changing our dates at the club to Sunday and Monday nights. We had the option of Tuesday nights as well, but since we never had a decent draw on a Tuesday, we decided to nix that idea. Anyway, the reason this all comes down to football is because of the Sunday night shows. This town is absolutely wild about football... and so is Mikey Pump! Since this weekend is the Championship games, we won't be starting until January 28th... then it will be EVERY Sunday and Monday night, except Sunday, February 4th, which is the Superbowl.

I suppose I should be used to the sports/entertainment concept by now. I once played a gig at a bar in Boston when the Red Sox were in the World Series. I don't remember who they were playing, but I clearly remember that night. We were playing to a bunch of backs. With their eyes glued to the TV screen, there was plenty of cheering... but not for us! I think the place could have burned to the ground and nobody would have noticed until the television combusted. So based on that, we will not be playing Superbowl Sunday!

I want to thank the person who left the anonymous comment to stick it out, as any encouragement at this point truly helps. I've launched my career over and over again on so many circuits. It seems you start out on a circuit, build your name and fame, get all the good gigs, etc., and then you realize you're at a dead end. That's when you have to make the choice as to whether you'll stay and play on that circuit forever, being a big fish in a little bowl, or moving up. Now I've loved every circuit I've played on -- especially the gay circuit -- so I never want to move up, but Todd isn't one to rest on his laurels, so up we go. Then we start all over again! So cupcakes, here I am in Las Vegas, doing it again. I guess the best way to describe the progression of my career is... Groundhog Day!

My, my, but I have been getting rather whiny with these blogs lately. Forgive me daaaaarlings... things truly aren't that bad. For example, the weather in Las Vegas has taken a bizarre turn -- it is 29 degrees this morning. Now I'm not saying I love to freeze, but the fact that I still fit into my coat from last year is certainly cause to rejoice. At first I was terrified to even try it on. I even toyed with the idea of taking to my bed until the deep freeze subsided. Then, in a moment of great strength, I grabbed it from its hanger in the back of my closet and put it on. Lo and behold, not only did it fit... I could button it! You can only imagine my relief.

So dolls, such is the story of my life. Have a wonderful weekend and, as always...

Stay Fabulous!

Happy New Year... I'm Losing My Mind!

2007-01-04T23:25:00.000-08:00

Hey Doll-Babies!

It seems like absolute ages since I've written, but the truth is, I'm losing my mind. Las Vegas is swimming with variety talent and frankly, I'm choking on it! Celebrity impersonators of every stripe, tired cover acts, cheesy production shows are assaulting artistic integrity everywhere you turn. And since this is what defines the Las Vegas performer, what the hell am I doing here? We're the square pegs, honey-pies, in this round hole of unoriginality... and it's getting to me!

Tonight there was a couple from California at the show. After our second song, Diet Doctor, the woman called out, "You write your own songs, don't you?" When I told her we did, she said, "We really appreciate that!"

Angels, I positively wanted to jump off the stage, fall to my knees and kiss her feet! You have no idea how artistically stifled I feel playing in this town. I guess you could say Las Vegas venues are the MacDonald's of gigs. There are a few good, original clubs here, but mostly its tacky rooms featuring pretentious variety talent... now there's an oxymoron!

I like the club I work at, but it's really a culture shock for me. Where are the hot, hard-body bartenders with glowing Ultra-Brite smiles and charming personality? Why do all the men come in with women instead of other men? And if not the gay circuit, what about the original circuit in Boston where my career began? Where are the black walls, overflowing urinals and exposed wires? Where are all the other songwriters and original musicians? How the hell did I get so far away from home?

Oh sweet-ones, but is it not clear? I am definitely losing my mind in this facacta town.

As for our show, it's been a tough launch. Not only are we faced with promoting the show, but the club as well. It has no draw of its own, so each night is a gamble as to whether we'll get a decent sized house. We're thinking of switching to Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights since a lot of venues are dark on those nights (thereby reducing the competition), or bailing all-together. I am torn between working to make it here in a town I don't really like, or heading back to where the water is warm -- 23 states east of the Mississippi. It's a tough call, but I plan on making a decision over the weekend.

So anyway, babies, I would love to know your opinion. Of course, prior to coming to Las Vegas, many of you already gave me your opinions -- too cheesy, keep away! But oh woe! I didn't listen. So where does a musical comedy cabaret show that came up from the original rock circuit to the gay circuit and finally to the Las Vegas variety circuit go next? If you have any ideas or just want to comfort me in my time of trauma and self-pity, send email to: thepumps@hotmail.com

Stay Fabulous, my little sweetheats!

Just When You Think Everything Sucks...

2006-12-22T00:46:00.000-08:00

Hey Dolls!

Just when you think everything totally sucks, something fabulous happens. Seriously, I was so snarly tonight that I didn't even want to go to the club to do my show. Tuesday night's show was a big one and I've been positively exhausted ever since. Silverado Mobile Home Park booked the room for their company Christmas party that night so we performed a special show, Trailer Park Christmas. It was a great success, but left me feeling like an absolute corpse. And though that was two days ago, all I could think of as we drove to the club tonight was -- I can't wait until it's over so I can have the weekend off. Then things changed.

The first thing that happened was Frank, a show promoter, came walking in with a handful of copies of Today In Las Vegas Magazine and said to me, "Page forty-nine." When I looked on page 49, there was an awesome review of our show -- not to mention a photo that made me look like a drag queen. Still, the whole thing had me feeling perky in no time.

It said, in part:

"... On Tuesday through Thursday, it's "The Billy Dare Show," a
tongue-in cheek, original musical revue featuring the no-holds-barred wit and
versatile vocal stylings of Ms. Dare and her back-up duo, The
Pumps (Todd Johnston on guitar and Michael Branch on
bass). Colorful and wacky, they've already captivated the east coast, and
have found their way to the Take 1 Nightclub in Las Vegas to continue their
escapades in the west. Theirs is an uninhibited act, and we especially
enjoyed the hillbilly portion of their show, not to mention "Patsy
Clinestein..."

The next divine event was when Joel, a dear friend of mine from Nashua, NH walked through the doors. I haven't seen him in two years, so I was like, "Oh this is sooooo fabulous!" And just to add to my giddiness, he'll be staying in Las Vegas until Tuesday so we'll get to spend Christmas together!

So dolls, even sucky situations can turn around in a heartbeat!

Have a marvelous holiday!

Hey! That's Not Me!

2006-12-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

Good Morning Sweet Peas!

It’s positively bizarre darlings. It seems everybody at the club where I perform seems disgruntled that I don’t have a day job… as if there’s some rule that in order to be in the entertainment business one must sling hash by day for the privilege to play at night. The truth is, I do work every single day. I write songs, work on the show, make costumes, promote the act, deal with the web site and so on. And it was during some of this internet work yesterday that I came upon a delightful surprise!

I was doing a search on Google to see if my web promotion efforts were paying off – they weren’t – when I came across a link that said something to the effect of: Billy Dare & The Pumps/John Deere.

For those of you who don’t already know, John Deere is a song that Todd and I wrote about 5 years ago after coming across a bolt of fabric in a local Wal-Mart. The cloth had a yellow background with green John Deere logos and tractors on it. It was so hideous, I absolutely had to have it. Well, the fabric led to a dress and the dress led to a song and the song led to the character, Starlene and eventually it blossomed into the entire hillbilly segment of our show. Ah, doll babies, but I drift yet again.

So anyway, I come across this link and click it. Up pops a video of Angelica DeVil, a female impersonator out of Nashville, performing to the tracks of John Deere from our Beauty Is Pain CD. It positively made my day and brought back a flood of memories!

Several years ago, when we were on tour, we played a club in Nashville called The Nut House. That’s where I met Angelica DeVil – a positively delightful individual. It was a small house, maybe 20 people, but Angelica made sure everybody got involved. I always appreciated that and never forgot Angelica because of it. So not only was a surprised and flattered that somebody liked one of my songs enough to use it in their own show, but that the person doing it was such a doll.

If you want to check it out for yourself, you can go to: http://www.angelicadevil.com/johndeer.wmv

And now, babies, it’s nearly noon here in Las Vegas, so I probably should get fancied up and get to the costume shop. We have a big show coming up Tuesday night… the staff and employees of a local trailer park is having their Christmas Party at the club, so we’re doing our hillbilly, Trailer Park Christmas show for them. Therefore my mission is to locate a mullet wig for Todd, a red union suit for Mikey and pick up some lining material so I can make myself a dress out of a burlap Blue Seal Feed Bag. So who says I don't work?

Kisses for Days!

Las Vegas Nods Off

2006-12-14T00:48:00.000-08:00

Daaaaaaaaarlings!

While Las Vegas might boast about being a town that never sleeps, that's only true 11-1/2 months a year. As Christmas approaches, this place is Deadsville, babies. Unlike just about every other sleepy place in the country where the late-December holiday hustle and bustle brings parties and galas galore, Las Vegas nods off. Sure, the casinos and clubs and all else that make Vegas what it is are open, but there's one thing missing... the tourists. And without the tourists to fill the showrooms, nightclubs and seats at the gaming tables, the holiday season in Las Vegas is positively lackluster!

Now being an act that is totally dependent on the tourist trade -- much because locals just can't afford a $34.95 ticket on a regular basis -- this pre-Christmas lull is killing us. I don't know what's worse -- playing for 4 people in the house, or not playing at all. I think I'd rather not play! But there's only two weeks left and then all should return to normal. Meanwhile, we're all hanging around the bar, shooting pool and watching Brokeback Mountain for the bezillionth time. Of course, watching Jake Gyllenhaal isn't all that difficult...

Oh woe, precious ones, but I'm desperately bored these days -- and boredom leads to eating and eating leads to tight costumes... horrors!

Christmas can't come and go soon enough!

Don't Take Shit From Anybody!

2006-12-12T11:52:00.000-08:00

Bonjour Swanksters!

Back when I first started performing on the gay club circuit, George Metoulis of the Front Runner in Manchester, NH gave me a piece of advice. It was, "Don't take any shit from a queer." Although it was a gay club, I don't think George used the word queer to indicate a person's sexuality, but rather one's disposition. Clearly what George meant was, "Don't take any shit from anybody. "With that said, let's move now to Friday night, December 8th, at the Take 1 Nightclub in downtown Las Vegas.

For those of you who don't already know, my band, Billy Dare & The Pumps is doing a dinner show there billed as, The Fabulous Miss Billy Dare Show. As it happened, Friday night was a special event -- a press and industry party featuring a complimentary buffet followed by performances by the dinner show acts -- The Fabulous Miss Billy Dare Show (which plays Tues-Thurs) and Bobby Ruffin's Tribute to The Drifters (which plays Fri-Sun). Talk about a mismatched bill!

In addition to press and industry, the public was also allowed in -- people who came to see us and people who came to see them. We started getting nervous, shortly after the first patron arrived. Todd, the guitarist, went out to the bar to bring drinks back to the dressing room. Along with the drinks, he returned with the comment, "I've never seen so many toupees in one place!" This was definitely not our usual following. Moments later Kathy, a friend of the band, came into the dressing room and said, "There are three young, beautiful boys at the bar." Now this was our usual following. As far as I could tell, there was not one common thread among our respective draws. To The Drifter's following, we might as well have been The Sex Pistols. To our following, The Drifter's might as well have been... well, The Drifters. It was bizarre!

Now dolls, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying anything about the quality of either act. My point is that while diversity should be embraced in life, it's not necessarily a good thing on a show bill. For example, with the first strum of Todd's guitar, a woman in a bouffant and a pained expression put her fingers in her ears. She was clearly there to see The Drifters. Meanwhile, when one of The Drifters asked something to the effect of, Where were you when you first heard this song?, the sarcastic comment heard was, "I wasn't even in the sperm sack yet." So naturally, daaaaarlings, you can imagine everybody was a bit on edge!

Alas, I drift... the point of my little tell-all was to point out that I did listen to George Metouis way back when and did follow his advice... right there on the showroom floor, dressed as my hillbilly character, Starlene, and among a full house of press, industry and dinner guests! While it would be very unprofessional of me to mention with whom I was involved during our mid-show altracation (not that it was all that professional of me to take the totally unprofessional bait offered in the first place), I will say it was an older man in the entertainment management business.

According to the deal, we were supposed to do an hour show and the The Drifters were supposed to go on and do their show. Our press came in, took their photos, etc., and some where heading out to file their stories... or probably just go home since nobody truly wants to be on assignment on a Friday night! Anyway, we were 15 minutes into the show and had just finished the hillbilly segment when I was heading across the showroom floor for a costume change. Suddenly this old guy comes at me demanding we cut our set short because... well, it had to do with our press and the other act's press. I must tell you now that this man was not in The Drifters and, while we're at it, state the act itself is a very talented, awesome group of guys. Anyway, I said I'd do two more songs and cut it short. Well, he started yelling, "I said, 'ONE MORE,' lady." Ooops! Big Mistake!

Words and phrases sprung from my lips with wild abandon... tired old queen, fossil, geezer, older than Moses... and then the more common words like, "Fuck off," and, "Get out of my face." Of course, I was in the middle of a costume change and, as much as I would have liked to stay and chat with this dude, I had to change into my costume for my closing numbers.

Back on stage I thank the audience and tell them, "We have two more songs." And who should appear, totally livid, but you know who. This time he comes right up to the stage and yells, "I said ONE more." So now I'm thinking that I could club him in the head with the base of my mic stand (a little trick I learned one night in Atlantic City that enabled me to take down belligerant drunk who was getting too close for comfort), but then I realized there's a 5 year mandatory jail sentance for hitting a senior citizen... and I wasn't doing time for this Bozo. So we did our two songs, said, "Thank you and goodnight," changed up and went to the bar.

When patrons and press came up to me afterward, their comments were not only on the show, but also on the showroom floor debacle. They were saying things like, "You have a lot of guts," and, "That guy's an asshole." So there you have it. For years I carried around a piece of advice that was given to me on the very night I debuted on the gay circuit and finally had to use it... Don't take shit from ANYBODY!

PS -- I guess I should mention that the old guy and I sort of made up at the end of the night, but as far as I'm concerned, he can forget about being included in our swanky society.

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by Miss Billy Dare
12/11/06
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